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Susie Lee
 #31 
Dear Rhonda,
 
I am sending you something well 2 things. These came from the heart and I want you to fully understand where I am at right now. I am on Gods side now but this is what I have to fight everyday. Your song Little Angels really hits home for me.
 
Looking back on a time and place
Seeing a child's innocent face
Knowing that things aren't as they appear
For inside she cries silent tears
Deep inside she is filled with pain
She feels dirty and full of shame
Innocence lost at a very young age
Locked this child in a pain filled cage
There is no freedom or escape
From the fact this child was raped
While the guilty man is roaming free
This child is sentenced to eternity
Eternity locked away with all this shame
She can't help but feel that she was to blame
Even though common sense says it was not her fault
She can't seem to help from having these thoughts
What ifs' keep running through her mind
She keeps going back to those moments in time
If there isn't something different she could have done
Why didn't she scream or at least try to run
Fear kept her frozen to the spot
While this grown man did what he should have not
Shame and fear made her keep the silence
Kept her telling anyone about the violence
The thing that is shocking beyond belief
Is that this child could not get any relief
same thing happened again and again
The first one was just how it began
only one man did his worst
And of course not caring about the child they hurt
After the first time was it easy to tell
Was it her pain and shame he could smell?
With every touch a part of her died
Now she is in a prison that has no gate
only one man sealing her fate

She's a beautiful lady of just 45
with sorrow in her eyes
Masked by a smiling face and laughter
while a part of her dies ~
Her clothes are baggy, tattered and worn
to hide what can't be seen
And while she pretends to all her friends
inside she feels unclean.
She imagines she is still a girl
when she's all alone
Trying to hide her new beauty
and how much she has grown ~
She wears no make-up or fancy clothes
and doesn't style her hair
But still she shines from deep within
though she doesn't seem to care.
She was just nine years old
as she started to grow
Becoming so much more beautiful
than she will ever know ~
Then in the silence of one night
when daddy's little girl
Became a woman in her bed
trapped in a different world.
She wasn't old enough to understand
but too young to disobey
Confused by her morality
the shame of it would stay ~
She did not want to disappoint
the daddy that she loved
While he took her into another world
of this new "family love".
She has hidden this dark secret
for thirty five lonely years
With the shame and the sadness
of her silent tears ~
The beauty of her innocence
has been taken away
By the one she loved and trusted,
she has been betrayed.
No one knows her secret pain
he told her not to tell
The scars she carries for those sins
she knows only too well ~
The shame in everybody knowing
the "family love" they share
Their pointed fingers and silent whispers
are more than she can bear.
So as she carries her silent guilt
her eyes fill with tears
Thinking that it will be like this
for the rest of all her years ~
To hear the creaking of her door
in the middle of the night
Opening to reveal the one
who will be with her tonight.
The tears she weeps in solitude
behind her closed door
Reflects the pain that tortures her
until she feels no more ~
Her innocence no longer fills
the emptiness of her soul
As she forgets she lost her youth
when she was nine years old.


I hope you get the chance to read these. I know God is with me but I fight this everyday.
Thank you. and My God Bless you
Love always
Susie
Rhonda
 #32 
Susie...I am so sorry.


Fred Black
 #33 

Susie;

There are a lot of people on this message board who are praying for you.  Prayer can do amazing things; I’ve seen it first hand. 

 

It was very hard to read the things you wrote.  As a father it literally sickens me.  I felt I needed to post something but wasn’t sure what to say. 

 

That’s not how childhood is supposed to be.  Some people say that there’s no such thing as evil, but I disagree.  I don’t think there’s any other explanation for situations like yours except evil.  You didn’t do anything wrong 35 years ago.  It’s unfortunate that it took so many years for you to find your way out, but God works on his time schedule, not ours.   Don’t feel guilty for feeling good, or for that matter feeling anything, or, think that the bubble will burst, that’s how evil tries to pull you back down.  God can, and does, do miracles: let him. 

 

A few years ago I was at a RV&R concert and watched a young man in a wheelchair.  I think he was completely paralyzed except for a little movement in one hand.  It’s hard at first to watch something like that, but I kept looking over his way and before long I could see the absolute, pure joy he felt at being there.  He loved the music (and Rhonda too I think).  He could move his head enough to the music to get bouncing on the fast numbers.  After the show Rhonda and Sally took an extra long time with him and that made quite an impression on me.  I came home after that show and wrote this song, although I’ve never been fully happy with a few of the lines.  Until now that is: I altered it a little after reading your posts.  I think you’ve been just as paralyzed as he is, except in a different way.

 

My Prayer.

 

Father hold me in your hand,

My path is dark; a foreign land.

Pain and sorrow fill my eyes,

Please hear this lost lamb’s cry.

 

[chorus]

Give me the strength to walk with you,

Though I am weak, unable to.

Break these chains that shackle me,

Lift my soul and set me free.

 

Some burdens weigh too much to bear,

So many bear more than their share.

Though temptations test my faith,

I am protected by your grace.

 

[chorus]

Give me the strength to walk with you,

Though I am weak, unable to.

Break these chains that shackle me,

Lift my soul and set me free.

Kim from MO
 #34 
Fred,
You are absolutely right!  Your song is beautiful.  Thank you for your post, even though it was for Susie, it touched my heart. 

Kim from MO
Treva
 #35 
Susie, thank you for having the courage and conviction to share your very personal and tragic story with us.  You will find that the people who post on this message board really do care and are always here for you.  You are on the road to recovery, and with God's help, you will be healed.  May you find comfort today and always. God Bless You.
Susie Lee
 #36 
Dear Fred,
 
I want you to know your song has touched my heart very deep. If I have your permission I would like to share it with my Celebrate Recovery group tomorrow night. This is held at the Church I attend. It is a Christian recovery group like AA but it is spiritual and very up lifting. Thank you for posting the words you did. I have printed them off will read them often. I want to thank you and all on this message board for all your support. It has filled my heart with smiles. I never have had anyone care as much as all of you and that includes Rhonda.
Thank you and may God Bless you all.
Susie Lee
Connie Leigh
 #37 
Hi Susie
I have been reading your posts this week, and I am so excited for you because you have chosen a way of life that will eventually help you to become the strong, carefree, happy person that you deserve to be.  I am speaking from experience, Susie.
If you have ever heard Larry Stephenson sing the song on his "Life Stories" cd, the song titled, "Behind Those Big Closed Doors;" it is about my childhood.
I wrote the song when I too was trying to figure out how to put the pieces of a shattered childhood behind me and learn how to feel "normal."  I decided that I would no longer be held in bondage to other peoples' actions from years ago, and I made it through all of the pain to a place inside of me where I became able to look myself in the mirror of life and like who I found there.
You will go through many emotions on your journey to happiness, Susie.  There will be times of sorrow, times of hope; times of anger, and times of joy.  You will have periods of doubt about whether or not you will ever move beyond this, but that in itself if part of the healing process.
You may not believe this right now in your life, but someday, as you work your way through these feelings, you may even come to a point of being able to forgive the things that were done to you.  That won't free the abuser in any way; instead, it will free you to be able to experience total happiness that you have never been able to feel up to this point in your life.  Eventually as you heal, you will allow yourself to accept that you are a good person who God loves as much as anyone else in life.
I am praying for you Susie, and I am asking God to hold your hand and always let you feel him near you as you journey toward a new way of thinking.
You are going to make it through this, and you will be okay.
Hang in there....
Connie Leigh
 
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